Wednesday, November 29, 2006
All of a sudden, this wave of emotions sweeps over me. I think i have been much too complacent with life. I have not exactly been pretending to be happy all this while, as how I appear here. I don't feel particularly unhappy nor do I genuinely feel the sort of happiness that seems to come out from what I write. Nothing has happened to change how I feel, I just feel very tiny. & insignificant. I don't know how to describe this. The saddest thing is that I have never been able to pinpoint my true emotions and put them into words. In this case, everything has been fake. Oh and to cheer me up, I feel really bad about how I butchered the English language in the exams. Yes it's coming back again. Not the academic part, but that I single-handedly destroyed and changed the whole meaning of a summary.
It's almost as scary as killing someone... changing the intentions of someone, blurring the clarity of what was trying to be communicated so that nothing appears as it was supposed to be. It's positively frightening to have the unnecessary power of ruining something so powerful. It does not make you feel powerless, it makes you all the more susceptible. To put it simply, you have ruined your very self.
hate the way I feel compelled to chronicle every eensy detail of my
life. Am i scared that I will forget what has happened? What's the
point of remembering the tiny details that pepper your life? Is that
enough to satisfy me?
I thank Avril once again. Her ballad "Keep Holding On" is totally
appropriate to how I'm feeling, not in the sense that it is
motivational. If i pretend hard enough that she really wrote the song
for her fans who need support, I can almost believe that she is
psychic. Fine, who am I kidding?
I really dislike IT. it's scary how I change my mind so fast. I was
just writing about how much I loved it- with the poetry we got to
write. What irks me is the stereotypes. Now i know I wouldn't be able
to stand it... stand studying in a classroon of people acting so fake.
All on a superficial level, so much that everyone appears to know
everyone else when they really just need some companions to kill their
time. If I ever got to the point of acting so unbelievably fake,
please hit me. I don't even want to make this feel less offensive. Go
ahead and think that's how I feel about everyone in my class. If EOY
programmes are supposed to feel like fun which everyone seems to be
having, then I have made the worst mistake possible. Not my choosing
Expository, but my subjecting myself to the torture unfolding before
my eyes day after day. It has the power to kill.
I would not be able to stand JC i think. Secondary school is bad
enough. I don't like pretending to go with the flow, to have to try
hard to fit in. I respect everyone, but if moulding myself into them
is what it costs, then I would rather not. The only thing I can hope
for is that my closest friends remain true to themselves and what
makes them uncharacteristic. If not, I would be sucked into a sea of
faceless people. Really, I am extremely scared, I have this urge not
to have to go through so much superficiality. I think I may even be
scaring myself too much. I am paranoid. After what I have seen and
realised that life is probably gonna turn out that way, I don't want
to go down that route. (Shit, I sound suicidal) I don't mean I want to
do silly things, all I mean is that I don't want to turn into someone
else. Cos that's what WILL happen.
I don't want to look at someone with a fake smile on my face and
pretend to like them genuinely as a friend.
It's not JC, it's people. The way society works is frightening. For a
prime example, look at Jane Austen's era. Her satires mirrored their
inadequacies, and I can see how unhappy she was about it. Society was
the factor (in my opinion) that turned those women into greedy,
scheming money-minded women who wanted marriage for precisely that
reason.
The thing is, I want to sound extreme and evil and speak my mind
exaggeratedly for a change. I don't want to play things safe by
containing myself in what is supposed to be my space.
I don't even know what I'm talking about already. To be as incoherent
as those abstract writers is sadly satisfying. I should post totally
incoherent rambles more. Or I should go into a sort of reclusive
hiding and write in a leatherbound diary. Nah, writing's too tiring.
Man, this makes me feel better. I don't know if what I have written is
completely true and the intensity may not be how I feel.
Now I shall submerge myself in Reality TV.
My brain must be a junkyard, stuffed to the brim with intense feelings
then filled with mindless unmentionables.
//
Edit:
I quit Creative Writing. Jamie's right- I am too scared to be in the class by myself. I follow people too much. But if you want to know the truth, I guess its becaue I can't stand the way some people act. More than that, I don't like being in isolation. Haha, at least for Expository, the people seem nicer and less irritating.
On a happier note, Mr Raphey solved my Rubik's cube - all it took was a trip to the bathroom. Genius math whiz! Hmm maybe I shld've taken Math, then I would know how to shock people with solving all these math things. Went to Borders cos i had 30percent off, in the end, Baihui and Kewei used up my vouchers. Which made me more than happy, cos they will lend me their books, haha. Jessica is the nicest teacher ever!She made some nice comments about my essay even though I use horrible imagery and extra commas (according to Jamie). Anyway, never call Evey cute. She will box your ears out.
In the school computer lab now. Kewei is trying to get her parents to let her sleepover ;D Rachel(s)+ Baihui are going to come and watch CSI tomorrow as Baihui persuaded her dad to get her CSI:NY. It cost 100+ bucks! Gawd, even I wouldnt pay so much to see blood splattered about. Guitar lesson was cancelled at the last minute, poor Lena's sick. Everyone seems to be getting the bug. I have quite a bad sore throat.& my cousin's feeling under the weather.
I almost had a heart attack just now. Trying to speak Chinese to Kewei's mum. I feel really bad cos my chinese sounded horrible! Oh & Kewei's fiance checked out her room, so they arr practically married. I really must improve on my Chinese!
6:09 AM
